Yay Emma!

Yesterday was a big day for us. Miss Emma got brave & started trying to walk. She managed to get from the bounce and spin zebra (in the middle of the floor) to where I was at the couch. Only a few feet away.. but still... this is big news! I'm so glad Jesse had yesterday off so he was home to watch those first unassisted steps with me. Now that she knows she has the potential to walk.. she just keeps trying & trying. She's a determined little thing and before long, I know she'll have it down. Walking at 10 months. wow. I guess she feels she better get a move on things so she can keep up with her rough and tumble sisters!

Some more big news in the Moore home... I've decided to go back to college. Of course I decide this while my former college is out on break. So I have to wait to hear back about my transcript and won't be able to start the one here until fall, but the fact that I've applied and pretty much made up my mind is a start! I think I still owe Tri-County money from where I was withdrawn after having to go to Florida for Jesse's grandma's "funeral" (It never happened. The poor woman was cremated and not even a service ended up being held the week we were down there). So I'd probably have to start in fall anyways.. I won't get my transcript until that's paid off, so that buys me some time. I'm just so excited! I went for two years in Murphy and never could decide on a dang thing to get a degree in. I flip flopped all over the place. I've felt those two years were such a waste. But now I think I'm going to go into massage therapy and I'm sure those two years I went to Tri-County will come in handy with getting some of the basics out of the way towards my degree. So now I just wait patiently and enjoy the time with my girls. Fall will be here before I know it. Time always flies by at an unrealistic rate for me. I swear I feel like I just graduated high school a couple of years ago but it's been almost 9 years! Yikes! Where does time go?!

Christmas 2008 Pics

Twas the night before Christmas and we had two other girls just as bright eyed as this one! lol

Santa came!

My FAVORITE ornament on the tree this year... Ariel brought this home from Kindergarten her last day before Christmas break!

My babies on Christmas Morning!

No more pictures! Let's open presents!

I couldn't seem to get a "real" smile out of her!

She's not sure what's going on.. but it sure looks fun!

Maybe another reason I couldn't wait to get the tree down? lol

Ariel's "special gift" from Santa... the one she opens first!

Excitement as she opens it!

This is what was inside!! Was someone naughty?!

You gotta love the "What the heck?" expression on her face! Priceless!

My poor sick and tired Clarity.. she did enjoy her Christmas though!

You can see the relief on her face that Santa did bring her some "good stuff"

So happy she got the "Pop-A-Beaver" game! lmao!

The Bounce & Spin Zebra.. another one of Emmalyn's faves!

She LOVES this toy and her baby!

Excuse her face and jammies... she got into some chocolate out of a stocking!

Clarity "helping" Emma.. lol... notice Emmalyn doing a super baby on the floor!

Clarity with the trash mountian of boxes from toys behind her

Really, Really, Really

Looking forward to 2009!! And I hope I don't eat my words later for saying that! I'm just looking foward to a "fresh start". This year has had way more downs than ups.. and I'm hoping next year is opposite. A complete opposite! I've taken down my Christmas tree, my decorations are down, and normalcy is returning to my home. Usually I LOVE Christmas and I keep the decorations up for as long as possible. But this year, I just couldn't wait to get it down. Maybe it was because of losing my Grandpa. Maybe it's because it just didn't feel like Christmas. How can you get into a Christmassy mood when you can walk outside and it's in the 60's. Not that I'm complaining about that... oh no... I'm loving our warm weather! Maybe it's because my kids were sick on Christmas. It's probably a bit of everything. Anyhow. It's done. Hopefully next Christmas I'll be back on track... and be in the holiday spirit as long as possible.

I took Clarity to the pediatrician yesterday. On Christmas night she was up all night crying about her throat hurting. The next day.. same deal. Wouldn't eat. Then that night she started spiking 103.5 fevers so I decided to get her in asap. I thought it was strep. No let me rephrase that... I KNEW it was strep. As it turns out I'm not a doctor and her throat actually looked okay... it was her ear causing all the pain. She has a horrendous ear infection in her right ear. Poor kiddo! So here we go... round 2 antibiotics in a month! I swear if my kids don't stop getting sick, I'm going to put them in plastic bubbles. Bubble girls. lol.

We had Grandpa's funeral on Dec. 23rd. Everyone did really well. My Grandma who I was expecting complete melt downs from... held herself together way better than I expected. I think it made it easier that Grandpa didn't look like the Grandpa we were used to. Seeing what a toll the cancer did to him... I think made it easier for us to accept it was his time to go. It was a nice service. As nice as a funeral can get, I think.

Christmas was nice (besides the girls being sick!). They got a lot of great stuff thanks to Grandma, Abu & Uncle Patrick. I've been driving Ariel crazy playing her Nintendo DS.. I even went out and bought myself a game (Sims Castaway). Yeah I probably need my own with as much as I'm using hers! LOL!

Oh and mom got Guitar Hero III for us for Christmas and I LOVE that addicting game! Our sensor thing went out (after two days! gasp!) so I've sent off for another one. They are replacing it for free so it must be a common problem. I wish they would hurry up and send it already... I want to play again!

Other than that... not much more to update! I'll post some more pics soon!

Recent Pics of the Girls

The three biggest blessings of my life

I'm bias.. but I think they are some of the most adorable girls!

Okay this parade is getting old...

Emma girl checking out some teddy bears someone in the Christmas parade gave her.. how nice!

I'm not sure where she got this.. but she was doing a samarai type bow saying "why don't you cook for the master?" and acting like her straw was a sword and bowing her head. Hilarious!! The girl is a total trip!!

Clarity and "her" kitty... CJ.. doesnt the cat look soo happy? lol

Ariel the drama queen.. but God knows I love her!

My sweet Clarity (well at least she was at this moment)

She's always into some mischief!

Emmalyn... you are such a mess! But you're oh so cute! lol

Behind every dark cloud

There really is a silver lining. Last night I was hit with a wave of sadness unexpectedly. I went into my laundry room and cried until I had a splitting headache... but I tell you it felt GOOD. Well besides the headache. I will say over & over again that my Grandpa is in Heaven and not suffering and I'm happy for that... but darn it... that doesn't stop me from missing him to pieces! And even though I didn't get to see him too often.. just knowing there's that void and he's not there (at least not physically).. hurts.

But God is good. In spite of all this that we're going through.. I got what I consider.. one of the most awesome gifts. My Uncle Mike got in touch with me!! It's been so long since I've heard from him... so seeing that he had made a comment on my blog in my email... wow... it was really something that brightened my day!

I'm probably going to embarrass him here... but he'll get over it :o) But my Uncle Mike was always someone I looked up to sooo much. As a kid, I don't think anyone made me laugh more and I always remember being so excited if we were going to visit my grandmommy & granddaddy and I knew he was going to be there. He was the funnest Uncle... EVER (I'm sure he's always going to hold that title to me!!!)

So God is good. In the midst of dealing with one of the hardest times ever... he has brought one of the people back into my life that means so much... and I'm so happy about that!

Merry Christmas from God

Have a happy period :o)

%$&#@ !!!!

That's what this house has to look forward to on Christmas Day.

They are already feeling my wrath...

The End

As I was making my earlier post...

My grandpa was on his way to Heaven. My mom called just after I posted the pic of him and the girls to tell me he has passed away. I'm a bit numb at the moment... not really feeling much besides a sense of relief that he isn't laying there suffering anymore. Does that make me a bad person? That I'm not completely falling apart? I'm sure it will hit me more at the funeral but for now.. I know he's happy. I know he's in Heaven seeing people he's missed so much since he's been here... my uncle Reid, his parents & some of his siblings... and even people I have no idea about.

We will miss him. No doubt. More than he could ever know. I will cherish the memories and time God let the kids & I have him. And I will be happy for him. Our grief is a selfish thing. We're sad because WE miss them. But if I know my Grandpa, he's having the best time he's ever had cutting up in Heaven. Feeling perfect... in a perfect place.

They Love Their Paw Paw

Merry Christmas? Not so much...

I am praying I can make Christmas great for the girls. It's going to be so hard though. The weather here lately, crap. Rain & wind & storms. Dreary. Yuck. But it's actually fitting for what's going on.

I guess it wouldn't bother me so bad if I knew my grandpa was going to be around. I took the girls to visit him the other day and it broke my heart into a million pieces to see him the way he was. He didn't look like grandpa (or paw paw as the girls call him). I won't even go into detail how he looked because I know he wouldn't be happy about that. He wouldn't want me to remember him that way. So I'm going to try to remember the happy guy with a great sense of humor that had this laugh that could make you laugh with him. It's hard to think that the other day was probably the last time I'll see him until it's my turn to go be with God. I'm glad I went. To be honest I was avoiding it because I was afraid. I didn't know what I would say. I didn't know what to expect. And honestly it was the same when I was there. I didn't know what to say. I was kind of nervous. But at least I got to kiss him and tell him I loved him... at least the girls got to do the same... and at least he got to tell us back.

It's going to be hard when he does go on to Heaven. But I do know one thing... he won't be hurting anymore. That's about the only thing that gives me comfort. He's stubborn and won't take much for the pain, but you can tell he hurts. He has to be.

Cancer. It sucks. It sucks big. I'm praying one day we find a cure for that garbage. So not one more person has to suffer. It's horrible & it's not fair & no one should ever have to go through it.

Yeah this post is depressing. I'm going to stop now.

Congratulations to Tanedra!!!

In case you have no clue what I'm talking about... lol... I've been following Scream Queens (a show on Vh1) for a few weeks now. The winner of the show gets to be in the Saw VI movie. The girls in the above pic are Tanedra (left) and Lindsay. These two were my faves. Lindsay was actually the one I was really pulling for but I'm very happy with Tanedra winning! What impresses me about her is she has had zero training as an actress. She just has natural talent (and believe me.. this girl is something else!). I admit, I cried when she won. She is very deserving of this. She tried so hard and when they announced her as the winner, she just cried & cried. If I'm not mistaken even one of the male judges got teary eyed. I look forward to seeing her in the new Saw movie. The judges picked the right girl... if a girl named Michelle had won (she was so full of herself it was unbelievable), I wasn't going to watch the new Saw movie period. lol.

Sickos

No, this isn't a rant about perverts... lol.. I'm talking about my kids. Well actually they aren't too sick anymore. After a doctor visit and a few days of antibiotics, they are on the mend. I decided to take them in last Friday & I'm so glad I did. Even though I felt kind of silly taking them in for a cough and runny noses, it turns out my gut was right, and they needed to be checked out. Emmalyn had a double ear infection and Clarity was well on her way. I have to say Emma is the best baby with ear infections ever. She has hardly cried. She has tugged on her ears here and there and fussed a bit at night but nothing too major. The doctor was even impressed because she said her ears were pretty darn red and fluid filled. She had just had her well child check a few days before and her ears were fine. So this happened really fast. All the drainage from a virus just led to infections. yuck.

I had to call Poison Control on miss Clarity on Saturday. I dozed on the couch (I have not been getting too much sleep at night during all this virus stuff) and when I woke up, I found Emma's antibiotics opened up and some spilled on the floor. I ask Clarity if she drank any and she smiles. when they do this, it is not good. I couldn't tell how much she had drank so I called and they kept asking me "well how much?" I had no idea! I mean I had spilled some that morning, there was another spill, I had given Emma doses... so I just guessed worst case scenario and she wasn't even close to the toxic level.. THANK GOD. This kid will be the end of me. I swear it. After I hung up, I wanted to double check so I guesstimated (on the low end) the two spills.. and then emptied out all the antibiotics into a bowl. I accounted for the amount I had given Emmalyn. All in all we were only missing like 20 ml or something like that and I'm sure most of it was spilled. I'm glad the girls don't mind the tasty antibiotics but come on Clarity. How she got the childproof lid off I will never know. I don't think she'll do this again. Between me yelling and threatening to take her to the hospital where they would make her throw up all night long... I think I put the fear of God in her about it. I sure hope so.I'll let Emma finish what she has left then I'll call the doctor and say I spilled it to get a bit of a refill so she can finish. I don't want to tell them the truth.. lol.

Well tonight is the Waynesville Christmas parade. I'll be taking the girls and I hope it's good. It will give me a chance to use the early Christmas present I got for myself. I found a black Friday deal online at Office Max. I got a Nikon Coolpix P60 for $119. Pretty sweet deal! It's not the pretty pink one I had my eyes on but I'm very happy with it!

I better publish this post now. Thank God blogger saves your progress.. my sweet monkey Emma has crawled under my computer desk and hit the surge protector twice on me shutting the computer off. So while she's occupied wrecking havoc elsewhere.. lol.. I'll use this as my chance to post :o)

December

already. Doesn't seem right. Today I was throwing myself into a pity party...over not being able to find a job... never having money for anything... how everyone in the world that I went to school with is successful and I have nothing to show for myself. I was thinking "what a junk year 2008 has been". Then later on I was holding Emma in front of a mirror and she was waving "bye bye" and just being super cute. That's when it hit me.. 2008 wasn't all bad. Without it I wouldn't have my Emma girl. I wouldnt have had all the smiles & joys of watching her grow and learn (as well as my two other girls. Clarity started talking this year. Ariel started school this year). So things are hard right now. so what. I'm not alone. Some days I swear I feel like we are, but we're not. I have to keep my head up and keep faith that God will pull us through and when we finally get out of this low spot we're in and we start going uphill again.... we'll be stronger.

It seems my idea on success has been centered around $$. But in the grand scheme of things... deep down... I know money (or lack thereof) doesn't define who you are. Would it be nice to have it? YES. But I don't want to be rich. I would just like to be comfortable. For the bills to be paid on time every month. For our debt to go down. And one day.. it will. But for now we just have to keep chugging along as we have. I'm changing my idea of success. Success is raising polite, kind kids that will help make the future a better place. Success is being happy with who you are. Success is ultimately living how God would want you to and entering Heaven when your time here is over.

As far as being a better person.. I am going to strive a lot harder.
Here are things that I'd like to change about myself :

1. Letting my past control my future. I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time forgiving... so Ted messed up royally and we're in a bind now and it's all because Jesse gave him another chance. Well what's done is done. I need to move on. I cannot think of these people and let anger get to me every.single.day. I need to put it behind me. It's nothing I can change. But I can change my attitude. God will deal with them. Hating them and being angry is only hurting myself and my marriage. Placing blame... won't do any good. We are where we are. I need to let God control where we go from here.

2. Not being comfortable in my own skin. I'm not. I feel like I am never good enough. I'm shy and don't think I'm capable of anything that will amount to much. I need to get over it. I am who I am. No changing that. My husband loves me. My kids love me. Why can't I love me? and why do I always feel the need to wonder why they do?

3. Being jealous. I hate when I have that "they have it better" feeling. Sometimes it takes me telling myself to just stop and think of people that have it worse to make me feel grateful for what I have. There are starving kids.. dying babies... families on the streets. I feel guilty when I feel jealous and so I should. We may not have much... we may struggle... but we are okay. And I'm sure the saying "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" would prove to be true.

and so... I am going to strive to be better. Strive to have more faith. Strive to be someone my kids will grow up and think "wow.. I'm proud she is my mom". Happiness lies in our own hands and lately I've been the one to blame for being uphappy. The good news is.. I have the power to change that. And I will.

Thanksgiving

well... it just wasn't this year. Don't get me wrong.. I am thankful. For every single day. For my family. For my girls (who are no doubt my life). For my husband. For having a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. Thanksgiving Day, however, was just bad. My grandpa was in the hospital with a collapsed lung. My mom was out there with them (don't blame her a bit... this is just showing my family was not together). It was just dad, myself, the girls and Jesse. Jesse and I were at each other's throats. I ended up getting in the truck with the three girls and going shopping alone. Had my dad not been here and needed food, I would have gotten a hotel room and let Jesse wonder if I was ever coming back. I even left my cell at home. Do I remember what started the fight? nope. Sure don't. But I do know we were both just so angry. And we never argue like that. We have little bickers here and there but this was one of those fights where at that moment... you swear you just loathe them. You wonder why you got married. You daydream of your escape. Yeah that was nice. Thanksgiving. lol. I came back home a couple hours later and he walks up to the truck and apologizes sincerely. Tells me how much he loves me. Me.. being me... says this, "Yeah you better be. I should punch you in your face. But I love you too". We hugged & after that, we were totally fine. Like we never argued at all. We made shrimp scampi and steamed green beans for dinner and Jesse and I made that chocolate chip brownie cheesecake for dessert and this time.. it rocked. It was Martha Stewart quality. Pretty and all! So besides my grandpa being sick, my terrible mood all day, the fight...Thanksgiving ended on a good note. It started out crap. But what matters is it finished okay, I guess.

Ariel just went back to school. She has been off a full week. Today they had a 2 hour delay. Yesterday was a snow day. We ended up getting close to two inches. Of course it's all melted off now.. but she was glad her Thanksgiving break lasted a little longer. To be honest.. me too. I miss that girl! She is fiery and can get a smart mouth but she is still "my baby" and on her good days... the sweetest little girl ever.

Emmalyn and Clarity are sick. Congestion. Congestion. Congestion. Horrible coughs. Last night was miserable. I feel I got zero sleep. Emma kept waking up crying and choking. Poor kids. Will this house ever be well?! I'm beginning to wonder.

I'm sure there's more I'll be back to type. Things I've missed. But my mind is blank. All I can think of is how I need to clean my house and get somewhat back into a routine. A week of things being thrown off... really throws you off! My house is a wreck. My kids are snotting on themselves. I could use a shower. Time to get things done.