December

already. Doesn't seem right. Today I was throwing myself into a pity party...over not being able to find a job... never having money for anything... how everyone in the world that I went to school with is successful and I have nothing to show for myself. I was thinking "what a junk year 2008 has been". Then later on I was holding Emma in front of a mirror and she was waving "bye bye" and just being super cute. That's when it hit me.. 2008 wasn't all bad. Without it I wouldn't have my Emma girl. I wouldnt have had all the smiles & joys of watching her grow and learn (as well as my two other girls. Clarity started talking this year. Ariel started school this year). So things are hard right now. so what. I'm not alone. Some days I swear I feel like we are, but we're not. I have to keep my head up and keep faith that God will pull us through and when we finally get out of this low spot we're in and we start going uphill again.... we'll be stronger.

It seems my idea on success has been centered around $$. But in the grand scheme of things... deep down... I know money (or lack thereof) doesn't define who you are. Would it be nice to have it? YES. But I don't want to be rich. I would just like to be comfortable. For the bills to be paid on time every month. For our debt to go down. And one day.. it will. But for now we just have to keep chugging along as we have. I'm changing my idea of success. Success is raising polite, kind kids that will help make the future a better place. Success is being happy with who you are. Success is ultimately living how God would want you to and entering Heaven when your time here is over.

As far as being a better person.. I am going to strive a lot harder.
Here are things that I'd like to change about myself :

1. Letting my past control my future. I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time forgiving... so Ted messed up royally and we're in a bind now and it's all because Jesse gave him another chance. Well what's done is done. I need to move on. I cannot think of these people and let anger get to me every.single.day. I need to put it behind me. It's nothing I can change. But I can change my attitude. God will deal with them. Hating them and being angry is only hurting myself and my marriage. Placing blame... won't do any good. We are where we are. I need to let God control where we go from here.

2. Not being comfortable in my own skin. I'm not. I feel like I am never good enough. I'm shy and don't think I'm capable of anything that will amount to much. I need to get over it. I am who I am. No changing that. My husband loves me. My kids love me. Why can't I love me? and why do I always feel the need to wonder why they do?

3. Being jealous. I hate when I have that "they have it better" feeling. Sometimes it takes me telling myself to just stop and think of people that have it worse to make me feel grateful for what I have. There are starving kids.. dying babies... families on the streets. I feel guilty when I feel jealous and so I should. We may not have much... we may struggle... but we are okay. And I'm sure the saying "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" would prove to be true.

and so... I am going to strive to be better. Strive to have more faith. Strive to be someone my kids will grow up and think "wow.. I'm proud she is my mom". Happiness lies in our own hands and lately I've been the one to blame for being uphappy. The good news is.. I have the power to change that. And I will.