Behind every dark cloud

There really is a silver lining. Last night I was hit with a wave of sadness unexpectedly. I went into my laundry room and cried until I had a splitting headache... but I tell you it felt GOOD. Well besides the headache. I will say over & over again that my Grandpa is in Heaven and not suffering and I'm happy for that... but darn it... that doesn't stop me from missing him to pieces! And even though I didn't get to see him too often.. just knowing there's that void and he's not there (at least not physically).. hurts.

But God is good. In spite of all this that we're going through.. I got what I consider.. one of the most awesome gifts. My Uncle Mike got in touch with me!! It's been so long since I've heard from him... so seeing that he had made a comment on my blog in my email... wow... it was really something that brightened my day!

I'm probably going to embarrass him here... but he'll get over it :o) But my Uncle Mike was always someone I looked up to sooo much. As a kid, I don't think anyone made me laugh more and I always remember being so excited if we were going to visit my grandmommy & granddaddy and I knew he was going to be there. He was the funnest Uncle... EVER (I'm sure he's always going to hold that title to me!!!)

So God is good. In the midst of dealing with one of the hardest times ever... he has brought one of the people back into my life that means so much... and I'm so happy about that!

Merry Christmas from God

Have a happy period :o)

%$&#@ !!!!

That's what this house has to look forward to on Christmas Day.

They are already feeling my wrath...

The End

As I was making my earlier post...

My grandpa was on his way to Heaven. My mom called just after I posted the pic of him and the girls to tell me he has passed away. I'm a bit numb at the moment... not really feeling much besides a sense of relief that he isn't laying there suffering anymore. Does that make me a bad person? That I'm not completely falling apart? I'm sure it will hit me more at the funeral but for now.. I know he's happy. I know he's in Heaven seeing people he's missed so much since he's been here... my uncle Reid, his parents & some of his siblings... and even people I have no idea about.

We will miss him. No doubt. More than he could ever know. I will cherish the memories and time God let the kids & I have him. And I will be happy for him. Our grief is a selfish thing. We're sad because WE miss them. But if I know my Grandpa, he's having the best time he's ever had cutting up in Heaven. Feeling perfect... in a perfect place.

They Love Their Paw Paw

Merry Christmas? Not so much...

I am praying I can make Christmas great for the girls. It's going to be so hard though. The weather here lately, crap. Rain & wind & storms. Dreary. Yuck. But it's actually fitting for what's going on.

I guess it wouldn't bother me so bad if I knew my grandpa was going to be around. I took the girls to visit him the other day and it broke my heart into a million pieces to see him the way he was. He didn't look like grandpa (or paw paw as the girls call him). I won't even go into detail how he looked because I know he wouldn't be happy about that. He wouldn't want me to remember him that way. So I'm going to try to remember the happy guy with a great sense of humor that had this laugh that could make you laugh with him. It's hard to think that the other day was probably the last time I'll see him until it's my turn to go be with God. I'm glad I went. To be honest I was avoiding it because I was afraid. I didn't know what I would say. I didn't know what to expect. And honestly it was the same when I was there. I didn't know what to say. I was kind of nervous. But at least I got to kiss him and tell him I loved him... at least the girls got to do the same... and at least he got to tell us back.

It's going to be hard when he does go on to Heaven. But I do know one thing... he won't be hurting anymore. That's about the only thing that gives me comfort. He's stubborn and won't take much for the pain, but you can tell he hurts. He has to be.

Cancer. It sucks. It sucks big. I'm praying one day we find a cure for that garbage. So not one more person has to suffer. It's horrible & it's not fair & no one should ever have to go through it.

Yeah this post is depressing. I'm going to stop now.

Congratulations to Tanedra!!!

In case you have no clue what I'm talking about... lol... I've been following Scream Queens (a show on Vh1) for a few weeks now. The winner of the show gets to be in the Saw VI movie. The girls in the above pic are Tanedra (left) and Lindsay. These two were my faves. Lindsay was actually the one I was really pulling for but I'm very happy with Tanedra winning! What impresses me about her is she has had zero training as an actress. She just has natural talent (and believe me.. this girl is something else!). I admit, I cried when she won. She is very deserving of this. She tried so hard and when they announced her as the winner, she just cried & cried. If I'm not mistaken even one of the male judges got teary eyed. I look forward to seeing her in the new Saw movie. The judges picked the right girl... if a girl named Michelle had won (she was so full of herself it was unbelievable), I wasn't going to watch the new Saw movie period. lol.

Sickos

No, this isn't a rant about perverts... lol.. I'm talking about my kids. Well actually they aren't too sick anymore. After a doctor visit and a few days of antibiotics, they are on the mend. I decided to take them in last Friday & I'm so glad I did. Even though I felt kind of silly taking them in for a cough and runny noses, it turns out my gut was right, and they needed to be checked out. Emmalyn had a double ear infection and Clarity was well on her way. I have to say Emma is the best baby with ear infections ever. She has hardly cried. She has tugged on her ears here and there and fussed a bit at night but nothing too major. The doctor was even impressed because she said her ears were pretty darn red and fluid filled. She had just had her well child check a few days before and her ears were fine. So this happened really fast. All the drainage from a virus just led to infections. yuck.

I had to call Poison Control on miss Clarity on Saturday. I dozed on the couch (I have not been getting too much sleep at night during all this virus stuff) and when I woke up, I found Emma's antibiotics opened up and some spilled on the floor. I ask Clarity if she drank any and she smiles. when they do this, it is not good. I couldn't tell how much she had drank so I called and they kept asking me "well how much?" I had no idea! I mean I had spilled some that morning, there was another spill, I had given Emma doses... so I just guessed worst case scenario and she wasn't even close to the toxic level.. THANK GOD. This kid will be the end of me. I swear it. After I hung up, I wanted to double check so I guesstimated (on the low end) the two spills.. and then emptied out all the antibiotics into a bowl. I accounted for the amount I had given Emmalyn. All in all we were only missing like 20 ml or something like that and I'm sure most of it was spilled. I'm glad the girls don't mind the tasty antibiotics but come on Clarity. How she got the childproof lid off I will never know. I don't think she'll do this again. Between me yelling and threatening to take her to the hospital where they would make her throw up all night long... I think I put the fear of God in her about it. I sure hope so.I'll let Emma finish what she has left then I'll call the doctor and say I spilled it to get a bit of a refill so she can finish. I don't want to tell them the truth.. lol.

Well tonight is the Waynesville Christmas parade. I'll be taking the girls and I hope it's good. It will give me a chance to use the early Christmas present I got for myself. I found a black Friday deal online at Office Max. I got a Nikon Coolpix P60 for $119. Pretty sweet deal! It's not the pretty pink one I had my eyes on but I'm very happy with it!

I better publish this post now. Thank God blogger saves your progress.. my sweet monkey Emma has crawled under my computer desk and hit the surge protector twice on me shutting the computer off. So while she's occupied wrecking havoc elsewhere.. lol.. I'll use this as my chance to post :o)

December

already. Doesn't seem right. Today I was throwing myself into a pity party...over not being able to find a job... never having money for anything... how everyone in the world that I went to school with is successful and I have nothing to show for myself. I was thinking "what a junk year 2008 has been". Then later on I was holding Emma in front of a mirror and she was waving "bye bye" and just being super cute. That's when it hit me.. 2008 wasn't all bad. Without it I wouldn't have my Emma girl. I wouldnt have had all the smiles & joys of watching her grow and learn (as well as my two other girls. Clarity started talking this year. Ariel started school this year). So things are hard right now. so what. I'm not alone. Some days I swear I feel like we are, but we're not. I have to keep my head up and keep faith that God will pull us through and when we finally get out of this low spot we're in and we start going uphill again.... we'll be stronger.

It seems my idea on success has been centered around $$. But in the grand scheme of things... deep down... I know money (or lack thereof) doesn't define who you are. Would it be nice to have it? YES. But I don't want to be rich. I would just like to be comfortable. For the bills to be paid on time every month. For our debt to go down. And one day.. it will. But for now we just have to keep chugging along as we have. I'm changing my idea of success. Success is raising polite, kind kids that will help make the future a better place. Success is being happy with who you are. Success is ultimately living how God would want you to and entering Heaven when your time here is over.

As far as being a better person.. I am going to strive a lot harder.
Here are things that I'd like to change about myself :

1. Letting my past control my future. I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time forgiving... so Ted messed up royally and we're in a bind now and it's all because Jesse gave him another chance. Well what's done is done. I need to move on. I cannot think of these people and let anger get to me every.single.day. I need to put it behind me. It's nothing I can change. But I can change my attitude. God will deal with them. Hating them and being angry is only hurting myself and my marriage. Placing blame... won't do any good. We are where we are. I need to let God control where we go from here.

2. Not being comfortable in my own skin. I'm not. I feel like I am never good enough. I'm shy and don't think I'm capable of anything that will amount to much. I need to get over it. I am who I am. No changing that. My husband loves me. My kids love me. Why can't I love me? and why do I always feel the need to wonder why they do?

3. Being jealous. I hate when I have that "they have it better" feeling. Sometimes it takes me telling myself to just stop and think of people that have it worse to make me feel grateful for what I have. There are starving kids.. dying babies... families on the streets. I feel guilty when I feel jealous and so I should. We may not have much... we may struggle... but we are okay. And I'm sure the saying "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" would prove to be true.

and so... I am going to strive to be better. Strive to have more faith. Strive to be someone my kids will grow up and think "wow.. I'm proud she is my mom". Happiness lies in our own hands and lately I've been the one to blame for being uphappy. The good news is.. I have the power to change that. And I will.

Thanksgiving

well... it just wasn't this year. Don't get me wrong.. I am thankful. For every single day. For my family. For my girls (who are no doubt my life). For my husband. For having a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. Thanksgiving Day, however, was just bad. My grandpa was in the hospital with a collapsed lung. My mom was out there with them (don't blame her a bit... this is just showing my family was not together). It was just dad, myself, the girls and Jesse. Jesse and I were at each other's throats. I ended up getting in the truck with the three girls and going shopping alone. Had my dad not been here and needed food, I would have gotten a hotel room and let Jesse wonder if I was ever coming back. I even left my cell at home. Do I remember what started the fight? nope. Sure don't. But I do know we were both just so angry. And we never argue like that. We have little bickers here and there but this was one of those fights where at that moment... you swear you just loathe them. You wonder why you got married. You daydream of your escape. Yeah that was nice. Thanksgiving. lol. I came back home a couple hours later and he walks up to the truck and apologizes sincerely. Tells me how much he loves me. Me.. being me... says this, "Yeah you better be. I should punch you in your face. But I love you too". We hugged & after that, we were totally fine. Like we never argued at all. We made shrimp scampi and steamed green beans for dinner and Jesse and I made that chocolate chip brownie cheesecake for dessert and this time.. it rocked. It was Martha Stewart quality. Pretty and all! So besides my grandpa being sick, my terrible mood all day, the fight...Thanksgiving ended on a good note. It started out crap. But what matters is it finished okay, I guess.

Ariel just went back to school. She has been off a full week. Today they had a 2 hour delay. Yesterday was a snow day. We ended up getting close to two inches. Of course it's all melted off now.. but she was glad her Thanksgiving break lasted a little longer. To be honest.. me too. I miss that girl! She is fiery and can get a smart mouth but she is still "my baby" and on her good days... the sweetest little girl ever.

Emmalyn and Clarity are sick. Congestion. Congestion. Congestion. Horrible coughs. Last night was miserable. I feel I got zero sleep. Emma kept waking up crying and choking. Poor kids. Will this house ever be well?! I'm beginning to wonder.

I'm sure there's more I'll be back to type. Things I've missed. But my mind is blank. All I can think of is how I need to clean my house and get somewhat back into a routine. A week of things being thrown off... really throws you off! My house is a wreck. My kids are snotting on themselves. I could use a shower. Time to get things done.

The paranoid mama

in me is back. Ariel has had a few lymph nodes in her neck for a while now. She has seen a pediatrician twice to ease my mind and two different ones have said "not a thing to worry about". This has been nearly a year & I have been fine. Until the other day. Someone posted about a beautiful little girl with lymphoma. She had the same thing. Her mom was told she was fine. Blood tests came back fine. Yet they find out later she had cancer all along. So now... I want to cry. Not only do I want to cry for that beautiful little seven year old that should be chasing butterflies, playing with her friends, and having the time of her life instead of battling chemo... I want to cry cause I'm paranoid to death about Ariel. I'm sure she's fine. I've made the mistake of using google and does that help? Of course not! We all know that is the WORST thing to do! I've also read to never pay attention to the neck cause it's easy to feel lymph nodes and worry yourself to death (as I am doing). They are small.. pea size... they move around... she's not sick (besides a cold)...she's not in pain... all logic points to a healthy little five year old girl. People have told me this over and over for as long as I can remember... I am my own worst enemy. I just checked her neck and one feels much bigger but then again she was running a fever last night, she has a cold... and it's probably her body fighting infection.. I'm a mess... I swear. I'll be taking her to the doctor again in a couple of weeks if they don't go down. If I took her right now the doctor would be like, "um.. she's got a cold. This is normal for them to do. duh". I should just go to medical school and become a doctor so I can sit around and annoy the crap out of my family by running tests all day. lol. Someone please tell me why I am so overly paranoid and borderline psychotic when it comes to my children?! I donate money to St. Judes everytime they send me something. I read the stories, look at the pictures, cry my eyes out and say a prayer, and whether we have money to spare or not, I send some. I wish they would find a cure for cancer. It's not fair for ANYONE to have to deal with it... but it's just especially unfair for it to be a child or baby!

What I want... My cheesecake... and a big scare!

So let's start out with what I want. My mom and I were in walmart yesterday and I found myself wandering over to the digital cameras. While my dream would be to get a Canon Rebel or something... I have to remember.... we are not rich. lol. But this camera was on display and I want it!
Not only do I love the fact that it is *pink*.. I love the big screen and the pics I took while it was in demo mode. My digital right now, I've had since Clarity was born. It's a bulky little thing and the focus is in and out and it's only like 4 megapixels... so I'm ready for something else! I called Jesse and told him this is what I want. We'll see if I get it. I sure hope so!

On to my cheesecake. I finally did it. I made my very first cheesecake. And obviously, I'm no pioneer woman! It doesn't help when you have a three year old messing with your oven behind your back and totally screwing with your cooking time! My brownie crust is a bit black on the bottom (thank goodness you can just scrape it off easily) and my cheesecake has more cracks in it than the Grand Canyon. As I was making this thing I'm picturing a fabulous result that I would just ooh and aah over and feel like freaking Martha Stewart. As usual, that didn't happen. I'm not going to let it get me down (though I admit I was hugely disappointed when I pulled the thing out). I'll try again and I'll probably make one for Thanksgiving but I need to find a good topping.... maybe I can cover up the craters and make it "pretty" if it comes out a mutant next time like it did this time.

And now what you've been waiting for. My big scare! I had a dream last night that just shook me up. I woke up feeling a bit of panic. I had a dream.... dun dun dun.... I found out I was pregnant again! noooooo! In my dream I was freaked out and that feeling stayed with me as I woke up. This is how I know Emmalyn is a handful in a half. All I can say is Thank God that was just a dream! I may feel differently when she is Ariel's age but for right now... she is more than I can handle!

BRRR!!!

okay winter is hitting way earlier this year than in any year I can remember. I'm just not talking about the cold (which I must say...sucks!) but we have had two snowfalls already. Mind you I'm not talking blizzards. But the first time (October 27th.. if you can believe that) we got a few inches. Friday we just had a dusting but a lot of ice on the roads.. and we had our first official "snow day" from school. Thank God! Ariel has been battling a cold and I haven't let her miss any school because of it so I was glad I didn't have to wake her up to go yesterday.

Last night I started getting the barking cough. Thank God that fit only lasted about 20 minutes. I sounded like a seal. The poor girls have it off and on. All three of them. Another reason winter is not my season of choice! lol. I guess I'm going to have to go out and buy tissues today. Clarity and Emmalyn have the thick green rivers starting to come out of their nose. How gross! lol. I'll be so glad when this home is healthy again. This sick stuff is definitely wearing out its welcome!

Well I'm off to clean the house... it is in desperate need. You wouldn't know I had it okay looking a couple of days ago. With three kids, it's amazing how fast things go downhill if you don't stay on top of things. I'm also going to do my first attempt at making a cheesecake today. I'm excited. I found a recipe for a brownie chocolate chip cheesecake. It looks so yummy. If I make it and it's good, I'll make another one to take over to Grandma and Paw Paw's for Thanksgiving.

On another note, yesterday was my dad's birthday :o) We went out to eat at Ryan's last night and had a very yummy dinner!

What am I going to do with her?

Emmalyn = the most needy baby ever. She is not happy in her walker, her jumparoo, on the floor, in a swing, nothing. She is happy only when someone is holding her and a majority of the time it has to be me. Otherwise she either does a super cry or whines non stop. I love her to pieces, couldn't live without her, but wow does it make things hard to get accomplished. My tree... still not decorated. My room still not cleaned. My laundry.. you get the picture. I've tried to let her cry it out... and I've let her cry until she chokes and nearly gags herself to oblivion. I've tried toys. I've tried bringing her into the room I'm working. Nothing works and I'm at a loss. She was my last and of course I held her and held her... I swore I wouldn't but I did. This is the price I pay. I hope she outgrows it soon. I love being needed.. but she's a bit much. lol. I always tell Jesse if she had been born first, we'd only have one. She's so lucky God made her so blessed cute.

Right now she's crawling around on the floor and playing with her sisters... my opportunity to do something but alas.. here I am. I did do the dishes, clean the kitchen, clean the playroom and pick up the living room a bit. I'm about to go cook dinner so I guess I am getting some stuff done. Just nearly not as much as I'd like.

Other than that, same old same old around here. oh Ariel did start bringing home little readers from school... she reads them to me and I have to sign a paper saying she did... I have to say I AM SO PROUD OF HER!!! I can't believe what a little lady she's becoming. I can still so vividly remember the day she was born.. and now she's about to turn 6, reading, and talking about boys *gasp*. Where is my baby?

And Miss Clarity... she's a mess. She's an adorable mess. She's getting big as well but still so much a baby to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because she still has some baby fat on her face and just really started talking within the past few months. Maybe I'm just a tad more protective over her being the middle child so she doesn't feel lost in the shuffle. I'm not sure. But she is my princess. My three year old, tantrum throwing, mess making, sit in your lap and give lots of cuddles and kisses, princess.

As much as my kids can drive me crazy.. I have to say... being a mom is what I was born to do. I love it with every ounce of my being. As long as they grow up happy, loving and respectful little girls... all the hard times when I question my ability to be a mother... will be so worth it.

I feel like shyte!

It seems completely wrong to me for someone to get over one bug and jump right into another, yet I have accomplished it! Go me... or not! Last week I had either food poisoning or a stomach bug straight from the depths of hell... Thank God it only lasted a day... but man. That was AWFUL! Completely and totally AWFUL! Today I was fine until about I'd say 2 hours ago. I was supposed to go donate blood at Ariel's school blood drive. My throat was feeling a bit funny but I thought nothing of it. Come time for me to leave... it is horrible. I have a headache. The side of my neck feels swollen. My ear hurts. ARG!! No, No, No, No, No!! I dont want this. Take it back!
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This was what I started working on last Thursday, I believe. Here it is Monday morning and my sore throat is FINALLY going away. But guess what.. Emmalyn and Clarity have come down with a major cold with congestion. So I guess yet again some bug has invaded my home! I started getting stuffy last night too. Yay! The bug I got last Thursday was a monster. I ended up running a fever, horrible sore throat, sore muscles and bones... yuck yuck yuck. I'm really beginning to hate winter!

Speaking of winter, it's flippin cold. I told Jesse winter just started and I'm ready for it to be hot again. At least if it's hot outside, you can go play in a pool or in water and cool off. There's not much you can do to stay warm during the winter besides coop yourself up inside with 999 billion germs. As soon as we are all heatlhy again we are running and getting our flu shots ASAP. I should have done it earlier. What can I say.. I am the queen of procrastination.

I can't believe how fast Christmas is coming up! Just a little over a month..and not a lick of shopping done. oh well. As I always say, "I have time". lol. Jesse and I bought some new ornaments for our tree. We're doing a silver, burgundy and white theme this year. We've been doing silver and blue for as long as I can remember and this year I wanted to switch it up. Our tree is down and put together but I still have to do the yucky part of folding down the branches and trying to make them look 'just so' . I love decorating the tree... I hate doing that! lol. But I'm going to get that done today. I have a ton to do. Lots of cleaning, Christmas decorating.... I better get my rear off the computer so I can get started.

Hopefully my sick, precious Emma girl will let me get it done!

What was he thinking?!

Jesse went over to Nate's a few days ago to get his ladder... he comes home and tells me that Nate now has four yorkie pups. Why did he tell me this?! lol. I dont want to see them. I've already done my begging. The fact that Jesse was even going to ask about how much they want for one, speaks volumes for me. Then Jess was talking about how he nice the mommy & daddy are and how small they are and.... he's cracking. I see it. They'd be ready to go at Christmas.. how nice of a present would that be? But I'm putting it out of my mind. He hasn't said anymore about it so I'm assuming they are probably just too much for us to even think about. He told me last night maybe someday. Ah, yes, maybe someday. I started looking them up online and they dont shed (a major plus) and they dont have that "dog" smell. That's the perfect kind of dog for me. lol. I'm always going to want one. Always have.

And in other news.. unless you live under a rock... you know that our new president elect is Obama. Yippee. Notice the lack of an exclamation point there. lol. That wasn't who Jesse and I voted for. But he's the choice of the people ,I guess, so there's nothing I can do about it. I just PRAY & PRAY I'm wrong about him. I pray that things will be okay. But I'll admit.. I'm nervous. Not because he's black (that has nothing to do with anything in my eyes)... but he just doesnt sit right with me. He reminds me of a player.. such a smoooottth talker. We shall see. I just keep this country in my prayers. change is coming as he says... Lord just let it be good. And if it isn't good... please watch over this country.. my family & friends.

This video made me laugh so hard! Jordan... you rock!

a bit of video

Some pics from the concert

Highs & Lows

We'll start out with the low point of the week (save the BESTEST for last, right?). Ariel came down with a stomach virus last Monday. She threw up Monday night, missed school Tuesday, I pulled her out early on Wednesday (to go to Atlanta.. shhh), she missed school Thurdsay (mainly because of the Atlanta thing but she wouldnt have gone anyways because she ended up having major diarrhea), she did go to school Friday but after she came home, she threw up! So that was a lot of fun! Clarity ended up getting it and puking for a few days herself. Last night I didnt feel good. I thought I was gonna lose it, but never did, Thank God! I'm feeling better today, but all I've done is drink. I'm not ready to try eating yet. So now I'm just praying the worst is over and that Jesse, mom & dad don't get it! I had to shampoo my loveseat twice last week just from the girls throwing up on it. I hate stomach bugs! hate them, hate them, hate them!

on to the GOOD news! I took Ariel to her first concert ever on October 29th. Of course if you read my blog, you know we went to see The New Kids on the Block!!! Can we say the concert absolutely ROCKED?! I swear they have only gotten better with age! Ariel, in typical five year old fashion, didn't have to pee during the opening acts (Natasha Bedingfield and Lady Gaga) or intermissions. Noooo. Literally three minutes before they make their grand entrance, she looks at me and says, "I have to pee and no I can't hold it". So we make our way to the bathrooms and hear them come out and the arena go crazy from the bathroom. LOL. I took a picture of her washing her hands, just for the memory of how we started the concert. I took tons of video snippets. Our seats were awesome! And we got a surprise... the guys ended up running straight in front of us! The wonderful people in front of us let Ariel come down a row with them so she could see them.. and Danny, Donnie & Jordan all grabbed her hand! Can we say lucky?! We've been on cloud 9 all week... I pray the come back on tour again. We'll definitely be going. Well, well, well worth it!!!