The things I cherish

So this post will most likely be sappy as all get out. I just wanted to make a list of all the things my girls do that make my heart melt and things I'll always cherish, reguardless whether they grow out of them or not :o)

*Ariel using my hair as a security blanket. She's been doing this for years.. whenever she needs comfort she lays behind me and just twirls or strokes my hair. She'll wake up from a sound sleep come up next to me and say "I want to play with your hair" and just cuddle up closely and do so until she falls asleep.
*Clarity's story time. She'll grab a book or brochure and sit there and "read" to me. Just jabbering away pointing at the pictures or words. It's so precious. I'll ask her questions about her story and she'll just beam with a smile and tell me all about it.
*Ariel's poems and songs. They can be so sweet or absurdly silly. They usually always rhyme which I find very impressive for someone her age. Hearing her little voice singing me something she made up on her own... I can't help but smile.
*Clarity's version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I dont think she sings any of the words.. again just her own little jibberish but the melody is perfect and I love to listen to it. Too cute.
*The girls dancing to songs together. They're so funny!
*Clarity playing "Where's the baby".. our little version of peekaboo. We also love to play this game where we hide our faces and do the theme of jaws in a dah-dah-dah sound and she just squeals everytime.
*Their cuddles and kisses. I am so blessed in the fact that both of my babies are just so affectionate. There is nothing I love more than a kiss, hug or I love you that comes out of nowhere.
* The smiles and laughter they share as they play together. I love sitting on the outside looking into their own little world as they giggle over something they only know. It's wonderful to see their friendship grow everyday.
*Ariel's passion for dinosaurs. Wow does she love those things. I can't wait to see what kind of passions Clarity has as she gets up in toddlerhood.

So now I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes thanking God for his blessings and all the little moments I get to share with these two angels on earth. I pray for his protection over them and that I have a lifetime to watch them learn and discover and grow into the beautiful people he has destined them to be.

Such a proud mommy!

I can't even tell you how proud I am of our Ariel! Tonight when we were in walmart I was looking for some earrings and found some clip ons to try on Miss Ariel. Well I told her how beautiful they were and we got on the subject of getting her ears pierced for real. It took some convincing, but she decided to do it. As I'm doing the paperwork, it's time to get her out of the cart and she becomes a dead weight. lol. She kept telling us she'd do it tomorrow. After I explained to her that it would only hurt for a minute and that we had already done the papers, she let her daddy take her out and hold her. She didn't cry! At all! Such a big girl.. I'm so impressed! Her face got all red after they did the second one but she held it together. I think it was more from relief that it was over than the actual pain.

Today was a freakin non stop busy day. Jesse's only day off and we spent it running errands for hours. Grocery shopping, going to lowe's, going to the bank, the post office.. etc etc. I feel so bad for him he only gets one day off a week and most of the time we spend it doing anything but letting him relax. It's getting late, I have to brush the girls teeth and get them into bed. I bought some unisom so hopefully it will work for me like it did for Misty. I hate waking up wondering if I will make it through the day without being sick.

Oh yeah one more thing. Miss Clarity got stung by something today on her hand. Not sure if it was a yellow jacket or what but she it got swollen for a bit and she really cried. Of course I was a nervous wreck praying to God we wouldn't have an allergic reaction and we went straight to walmart to grab some benadryl. Luckily we didn't have to give her any and she seems perfectly fine now. *whew* what a day!

Below is the pic from Clarity's icing episode. lol.

I'm just a little black rain cloud...

Or a big one... lol... hovering over the Moore family. Ugh. That's so what it seems like lately. That we have this massive cloud hanging over our heads and it just won't leave us alone.

Jesse's job is being terrible lately. I'm talking really bad. They just gave everyone a huge paycut. Where he was making $20 and $35 for out of area service he now makes $5 and $20! Rediculous. That barely covers the gas the boy has to put in the tank to go there. Then he gets his check today. And oh boy were we in for a surprise. Not a good one either. They never mentioned to him he had to fill out on RA Form on certain jobs. So he hasn't. Well now they are giving him chargebacks for this. We have to pay $60 (when the job only paid around $35 or 40 so isn't it ironic.. we are paying his company for him to work). God only knows how many more of these we'll end up paying for but we know better now. A little late. His $950 paycheck got cut down to $600. Between that chargeback, the stupid insurance where they take 10% of his check a week (I told him tomorrow we are getting his own insurance.. the amount the company takes is unreal and they never even gave him proof he has general liability), and the supplies he had to purchase. God what a mess. All the techs for that company are about fed up and wanting to quit. I'm going to contact dish directly and see what it would take for Jesse to work for them directly and get rid of this money grubbing middle man. So pray for us. We could really use it.

On a happier note, we got approved for a $6,000 line of credit (I have no idea how we got this with our cards being as maxxed out as they are) but I'm thankful. This will let me consolidate all of our credit cards onto one bill.. no more juggling 7 credit card payments at a time. So this should help and it will clear our cards and should help raise our score back up. So that's always a nice thing to happen.

I hate sounding like a woe is me person. I'm very thankful for what we have. It's been a long, difficult road since dealing with his dad again but we're going to come out of it okay. I have faith we will. Maybe I'm not praying enough or trusting God enough lately. Maybe this is all just the devil's way of trying to get me to doubt. I can't let that happen. I have to remain positive and faithful. It's the only hope I have.

I keep having dreams about Jesse's dad. We all know how much I love him.. lol. He's haunting me and I'm not sure why. I try to keep him as far from my thoughts as possible. The last thing in the world I want to see in my dreams is that jerk.

I did have a wonderful dream about going on a vacation to Hawaii last night. It was so nice and it's making me have a desire to go someday. So instead of Jesse and I paying to renew our vows and have a wedding ceremony, which we never did, I'm going to convince him that I'd rather us save up and take a great vacation like that in the next few years! That would definately beat a wedding in my eyes.

Oh and to end this long, probably boring entry on a good note. I won three Six Flags Georgia tickets off ebay last night for $50! woohoo! So Jesse and I are going to take the girls probably in the next few weeks (or maybe in October when the park doesnt close until 10 pm) to Six Flags to celebrate Jesse and Clarity's birthdays. We need to have some fun like that, desperately. I'm so excited and already counting down!

OMG this is painful!

This is a video from Miss Teen Usa. I feel sorry for the girl because that is the dumbest answer I've ever heard. I'm not sure if she was just nervous, didn't understand the question, or what, but goodness is her answer way off base. I'm not sure what South Africa, Iraq and Asian countries have to do with why 1/5 of Americans can't find their country on a map (and this shocks me, I hope the poll was thrown by people being funny. I'd hate to think there are really Americans that don't know what the United States looks like on a map but that's a whole different post). LOL. Thoughts?

Did I mention?

Yesterday

was a lot of fun! The girls and I cleaned up the house and later in the day, my parents came over. We all (Jesse included.. he actually got home from work in time to go out with us) jumped in our truck and went and grabbed the pizza buffet at downtown pizza. It felt sooo good to actually be able to pig out. And must I say their chocolate chip pizza is the bomb? I didn't totally eat unhealthy.. I did have salad too. Misty I'm so sorry if you're reading this and your tummy is doing flip flops! I'll stop talking about food now!

After that we took the girls to Fire's Creek. The water level there showed how much of a drought we've been in. It was unreal how little water and flow there was but guess what. It was perfect for the girls to play in! Usually the water is like ice and it kills to even step in for a few seconds, but I guess since there wasn't a lot of it, the sun was actually able to warm it up. The girls had a blast. My dad (whom Ariel has called Abu since she was a baby and the name has stuck) was the only one that waded in their with them. Jesse would walk on the rocks and take Ariel around to see stuff while dad handled Clarity, and mom and I watched. The only downside of staying on the shore was dealing with the gazillion gnats that for some reason found eyes very attractive and wanted to swarm into them. ugh. Dad said him and the girls had no problems in the water. It must have been a sight.. me, mom and Jesse constantly waving our arms in front of our faces. lol. But it was fun and the girls loved it. I should have taken my camera, but I'm sure we'll be going back soon before cooler weather arrives, and I'll be sure to take plenty of pics!

Let me just mention what a softie my mother is. Ariel calls her on the phone before she comes over and tells her grandma to please bring her some birthday cake ice cream and a movie with a dinosaur in it. So what does mom do? She shows up with some Edy's cake flavored ice cream and the movie "night at the museum". Dad made fun of her saying "I need a new car. Can you bring me a new car?" in a little Ariel voice. Of course it didn't work for him ;o) So silly!

I can't believe it's been so long

Since I posted in here. This past week hasn't been too hot. I've gotten sick a couple of times and it sucked because I thought this was over. This one has got to be a boy. It's being a pain in the rear already! I'm just kidding.

I found myself feeling "in love" with this baby last night which is actually the first time I've felt any real connection with it. To be honest this pregnancy hasn't even seemed real up until now, and it still has moments where I'm thinking, "Is this really happening?". But I had a dream I lost it and woke up heartbroken. I mean devestated. So this new little addition is making their way into our family and hearts already. Jesse, I think, is beside himself. He seems so excited. He's ready for me to feel better but he's just happy. He rubs my tummy everyday and asks how our son is doing. lol. But I know he'd be just as thrilled with another little girl. I think the idea of not finding out what it is has grown on him. Just having that element of it being such a surprise is so exciting for us this time around.

So as much of a surprise as this pregnancy was, as sick as I've been, I'm grateful. I know God must have a plan for this little one and I know how much I love being mama to Ariel and Clarity, so there's room for another. The love will definately be there. Jesse and I have always wanted a big family and I think a family of five is perfect :o)

It's been two weeks

Appearently my body doesn't feel done getting sick! I so thought I was over this mess but today I just didn't feel right at all. Thank God I decided to hang out in the bathroom "just in case" for a few minutes, if I had been anywhere else.. that would have been major trouble. lol. Ugh its nearly 1 PM and I still can't figure out anything to eat. The thought of going through what I did earlier gives me the chills. YUCK!

On the bright side.. at least Jesse is not going out of town anymore. He told his manager this morning, that he didn't want to do it anymore. They still hadn't found him a room so he could change his mind. THANK GOD. I really need him home.

Lord help me remember my kids are complete blessings and they dont drive me crazy ALL the time... that it's my body feeling like crap and it has nothing to do with them. Help me to have more patience, be more loving, and never take them for granted.

Feeling a bit off

I can't believe I haven't typed an entry in a few days. I've just been feeling blah. I find if I can sleep in until around 10 and then wake right up and eat breakfast, I'm fine. However, if something wakes me up bright and early, I feel sick for the entire day no matter what I do. Weird.

The past few days have been a blur. Yesterday we did end up taking the girls to the park, something we havnen't done in ages it seems. They had a blast swinging, sliding and running around. They were the only two there, I can understand why, it was HOT. We only let them play for about 20 minutes or so. When I realized their little faces were turning red, we left.

Jesse finds out for sure if he's going to work in Tri-Cities for a week. I swear this has been the most disorganized fiasco! He was supposed to leave today and we got an email yesterday saying they couldn't find him a hotel room (along with the other guys going) so they all would have today to spend with their families and leave tomorrow. However, I looked up rooms because the thought of the girls and I going did cross my mind but they are all booked up the entire week! I found out why. There are three nascar races at Bristol this week. So I highly doubt they are going to find the guys rooms. I guess I'll find out tomorrow if I see Jesse tomorrow evening or next week. He's already missed a day of work over this so we're aggrivated that they can't get their stuff together. They should have been finding the guys rooms like weeks ago when they asked them if they would go or not!

Clarity drove me absolutely nuts last night. She must have woke me up every half hour. I was going crazy and literally begging her to go to sleep. Now she's grumpy and wanting to sleep all day. Gah. You've got to be kidding me. Needless to say my stomach feels turned inside out today.

Thank God Ariel has been a princess!

Well that was endearing.. for a minute!

Here it is an hour after I said I was getting ready to go to bed! lol. So I turn around to get up and start heading that way when I notice a little white person standing in front of me. Not your typical caucasian look though.. I'm talking REALLY white. That's when I realize Clarity has managed to get into the vanilla confetti frosting we had for our cupcakes! The kid must have used it for lotion.. lol.. It was caking her arms, legs, tummy, etc. And she was naked! I snap a pic (just one as my stupid camera batteries were dead and wouldn't let me get any others. I guess I should consider myself lucky I got one) and I have a few giggles. Then I get her and Ariel into the bath and leave the bathroom door open while I clean up the frosting all over the kitchen, down the hallway and into the living room. Thank God we don't have carpet and thank God Ariel is such a big girl and keeps an eye on Clarity while I get the mess taken care of. So now both of the girls have had yet another bath tonight, their teeth are brushed, and I REALLY AM going to bed now :o) Night night!

So Tired!

This will probably be a pretty short entry because I am absolutely wiped out! It was a good day.. got a lot done. I cleaned my kitchen, swept and scrubbed my floors, picked up, did laundry. I finally feel like I'm getting back into the swing of life!

The girls were great today! Clarity is such a monkey, I'm so surprised we haven't made a trip to the ER yet *knock on wood*. The kid climbs on to whatever she can and then just leaps off. She'll fall on the floor and just laugh. Scares me to death sometimes! Ariel was always a very cautious toddler, so we're dealing with a completely different realm here.

The girls went and played outside for a while after their daddy got home. They rode their little bikes down the hill (again scaring mommy to death). They were flying! lol. After a while, we brought them inside and baked cupcakes together.

Now it's already after 10:30 and my eyes are wanting to shut on me. I've still got to get two little ones teeth brushed and climb into bed and as Ariel says "Dont forget our night night prayers".

Ariel's Paw Paw

I'm not sure if he knows this, but paw paw is the world in Ariel's eyes. We haven't seen him in three weeks and although we should see him more often, especially now more than ever, I'm afraid to. He's been on Chemo and radiation for the mass in his lung for about a month now. I just heard from my mom today that he missed chemo yesterday due to passing out at home. They gave him Iv fluids because he was dehydrated and they've also found out he's anemic. Mom said he's kind of frail right now, so I haven't been taking the girls over. I'm not sure if he feels up to their hyperness. Although it might make his day to see them, I'm not sure. I just remember seeing my Uncle Reid in the weeks before his death (not that my Grandpa is in the same boat) and he just looked so different from the healthy uncle I used to know. It terrified me and I couldn't find any words to say to him. I guess I'm afraid of going through those same feelings about my grandpa. I'm praying hard that when this chemo and radiation is over they find that the cancer is gone. I just wish life was back to normal for him.. for all of us. I love my grandpa soooo much and I know the girls do to, especially Ariel. So say some prayers please :o) It would mean the world to us.

Irritable

I feel kind of bad, but today I'm feeling really irritable. I think mainly it's because I have a wisdom tooth that has come through most of the way and has never bothered me until now. A big gash has been rubbed against my cheek behind the tooth so everytime I take a bite or even talk, I get this throbbing pain on the left side of my face. Gah! We bought me some canker sore stuff at walmart tonight so I'm hoping that will allow it to heal and I can just get back to normal. Jesse's so right, I should have gotten my wisdom teeth taken care of before when I had dental insurance but for one my orthodontis told me they would most likely never come in by the looks of the x-rays and for another I'm scared to death of having it done! Now I would in a second if I could. lol. Live and learn!

The girls have been semi difficult today. Not sure if that's just my interpretation because I don't feel well, probably. Ariel has really been going off at the mouth and Clarity has been in "I dont want to listen to you" mode. But they're their own little people and we all have our days. I'm sure my attitude is rubbing off on them so I'm partially to blame. Thank God Jesse was home from work today. He helped tremendously with them. He filled up their pool and let them play out in it (I've been meaning to do this all week so I'm glad it finally got done). The girls had a blast and looked soooo cute in their little bathing suits! He also fixed us all lunch and even though we've had a few bicker moments (again probably mainly because of me), I'm so glad he was here.

The girls and I ended up spending another night in the guest room upstairs. Ariel begged to try and see more shooting stars. I told her they were probably done and we wouldn't see any but I gladly went up with her to "make sure". Of course the moment we look outside we see one! She was all "I told you mama! I told you". So the three of us laid down yet again and crashed out. So she has seen a shooting star everynight for the past three nights in a row. She thinks that's just awesome.. and so do I.

Blast from the Past

Completely missing these guys today! Savage Garden... *sigh*. How great were they? I know I adored them (and still do). I started downloading their music today and it's amazing how music can evoke emotions and memories you had long stored away. Savage Garden takes me back to high school, to the immature relationship I had with Jesse, to the days where my biggest care in the world was getting a car and getting the heck out of high school. I never did get to see Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones in concert and I'm feeling sad about that today. Not rediculous sad.. lol... just kind of "awww".. But it's okay. Life goes on and old memories are replaced by better ones. At this point, my life is a 180 change from what it was then. I'm a wife, a mother, an adult... and even though I go through more difficult challenges now, I wouldn't change it for the world.

About the meteor shower last night, it was nice! The girls and I went up to our guest bedroom on the third floor and opened up the sliding glass door and put an air mattress next to it so we could lay there and look at the stars without actually being completely outside. It was actually kind of chilly last night so I'm glad we had a nice place to lay and cover up with. Ariel just kept saying "This is the best! Thank you mama". Her being that excited and so thankful for us sharing that moment together made my night. If we hadn't seen one shooting star, we still would have loved it! I think Ariel did get to see one before she crashed out. I saw maybe 10 or 15. I kept drifting in and out of sleep too. It's hard not to when you've got your two cuddle bugs sleeping right next to you! I swear they are like little tranquilizers. lol. It was a special moment, just laying up there in the dark watching the sky with my two angels next to me. Something I'm going to tuck away in my mind and cherish for the rest of my life.

I'm having another good day! Energy is coming back and I have the desire to actually do something besides lay around and feel bad! I never did finish up cleaning yesterday, we ended up taking a trip to Walmart (fun fun) instead. So I guess I'll do the cleaning today while the girls eat lunch. Then I'll try to get their pool ready and let them swim. I never did do this the toher day, we had some thunderstorms so that disappointed Ariel, but maybe today things will work out!

Shooting Star Day!

Wow it's one of those gorgeous Sundays! The sun is out in full force (although it is HOT, it's pretty). I woke up kind of sick this morning.. not too bad at all. Ate a couple of dum dums and then felt well enough to start eating food and drinking sweet tea, and all is fine now! Yay.. makes my day even more beautiful!

I'm about to scrub my floors in a minute, then take my precious little girls out to play. They've been so good so far. Eating their food (always wonderful when we don't have food wars), playing together, and being silly. So they deserve to have some fun that doesn't involve watching Sesame Street. lol.

I'm sure you're wondering about the title of this blog. That is what Ariel has declared today. Shooting Star Day! We have a meteor shower that is supposed to peak around midnight tonight and Ariel is super duper excited because I told her we can go lay on the deck together and watch. I pray it's clear! Every year, it has been cloudy and I have never seen an actual meteor shower. Especially one that is supposed to be as good as this one is.

We stepped out on the deck last night right before bed to see if we could catch a glimpse of one and sure enough, we all did! A huge, bright one went streaking slowly across the sky right above our heads. Ariel saw her very first shooting star on August 11th! She was so in awe and of course I was too. I always am when I catch one. There is something so magical to me about them. Like it makes me realize just how much more there is to this universe then the world around me. It just kind of makes me sit back and say "WOW!" . It gives me an almost spiritual feeling, like when I see one, I just see God. I know, it's weird, I can't explain it. But I love them and I remember all the time when I was little I'd ask God if he heard my prayers to let me see one. Of course most of the time, I didn't, but I understood God is a very busy man. lol.

Well I should go and get my house all cleaned. I'm finding I have much more energy to do so now, so I'm running out of excuses! I have a roast and veggies in the crockpot and the whole house smells of it. I can't wait until it's done.. it sounds so good to me right now! I'll be back on later to write about how our Shooting Star Night went...praying it's amazing!

A Happy Day!

I must've gotten all of the sadness out of my system yesterday, thank goodness. Today has been a pretty great one!

For one I actually woke up and felt *gasp shall I say it* fine! Not one horrible wave of nausea and it was soooo nice. I'm not holding my breath that the worst is over because I've thought that before, but on the days when I get a break, I revel in it!

The girls were absolutely precious today. Just being good and sweet. Ariel had a few defiant moments that about drove me crazy.. but that girl has a way of cracking me up and making me forget all about it in a matter of minutes. She has a gift that way!

A funny Clarity story. Today she comes walking in the room with me holding my cell "talking" into it. After a second I realize my mom is on there. I can hear mom asking, "Clarity where is mama?" Clarity points to me and says, "mama there". So I hear mom asking Clarity to give mama the phone and Clarity is all "my mama. nah!" and just cracking up. Then she tells my mom "buh bye" and hangs up. I was rolling! After a minute to compose myself, I called my mom back. I'm so bad.. the whole time I knew my mom was calling to talk to me but I didn't have the heart to make Claire give me the phone. I was enjoying watching her be a pain! hehe.

My parents came over to see the girls today. They had fun. Mom and Ariel played outside spraying eachother with the hose and of course Jesse, Clarity and I were out there too. Clarity hates being sprayed.. lol. She cried so she hung out with me for the most part since I'm not a fan of it either! But we all had fun. It was a nice day.

Clarity is crashed out in my lap (Love that she still needs to snuggle). Ariel is still going strong riding her sister's tricycle in the house. lol. If I only had half the energy that kid does, I'd be great!

I still managed to keep the fact that I'm pregnant from my parents. Jesse said he's surprised the way I pigged out on the Taco Bell didnt tip them off. I ate three tacos and a burrito in a sitting. I was hungry! lmao. I'm so hoping I can get an ultrasound snd put it in a card and surprise them that way. They are gonna die.. lol. Everytime dad comes over he says I have my hands full and he's glad I'm young to deal with the girls. He's probably going to pass out at the thought of a third one!

Well Jesse and I aren't the only reproductive ones in the house. Our fish have had babies. We thought there was only two babies but we've found more. Like who knows how many more. lol. They are so tiny that they are about invisible. It will be interesting to see if they make it and how many fish we end up with. We may have to get a bigger tank!

Sad Thoughts and Memories

Everything just seems to be getting me down today. Yesterday I visited Miles Levin's carepage for the first time. Of course it had to say he was on his way home. 18 years old.. life cut tragically short. Yet him and his family are at peace and aren't bitter about everything as I'm sure, knowing me, would be. As I read his posts, I realized this was no ordinary 18 year old. He's definately wise beyond his years and has a real legacy to leave when he's gone. I'll be praying for him and his family.

I also read about another family on one of the message boards I go to that just discovered their small son has a tumor in his brain the size of a grape. I don't know any other details but we're all praying hard that it's something that is able to be surgically removed and he'll be just fine. My thoughts are on this family in a heavy way.. I just can't imagine going through something like that.

Another thing that has been on my mind is this is the time of year that marks the anniversary of the deaths of Jesse's sister (well step sister but he considered her his sister) and one of my friends from high school. They died within a week of eachother in 2000. Crystal was 13 but had the mind of a five or six year old. She was so innocent and special. She was so happy and loving. I remember once Jesse and I had a huge argument at his house and I was sitting in her room crying. She walked in and gave me the biggest hug and said "It's okay. I love you". That was so Crystal. Always giving hugs and letting everyone know she cared about them. The last time I saw Crystal she asked me if I had any M&Ms (her favorite). I told her no but I promised her I'd bring her a pack the next time I went to visit (Jesse and I had broken up so I didnt see Crystal much anymore). Unfortunately that visit came too late. When I heard about the accident (She had been playing in her dad's suburban and somehow put the truck in neutral and it rolled backwards. She freaked out and tried to jump out and ended up getting run over and pinned against a tree). I fell apart. I beat myself up over not taking her those M&M's. Her dad had a bowl of them at her funeral for everyone to take some and toss in her grave, but it didn't help me feel better. Some days I want to smack myself for always assuming that someone will be there when I "get around to it".

Sara was my best friend in middle school. She was the first friend I ever made when I moved here to Murphy and we stuck together like glue, until high school. Then she made new friends, I made new friends and we weren't as close. We still hung out from time to time but things were different. We just hung out with two different groups of people. She was with the more popular ones, I was with my own little clique of close friends (there were three of us in my group.. lol). But Sara was a great person and when I heard she didn't make it through one of her heart surgeries, it caught me completely off guard. Especially since I had just been to Crystal's funeral. I only went to her viewing, not the actual burial because the wake alone made me ill. All of these people were there that I had heard make fun of Sara and talk behind her backs and they were all hysterical like they were close to her. Maybe it was guilt? Maybe it was sincere? I'm not one to judge that, but I was annoyed.

It's hard to believe these people just slipped out of my life seven years ago. Seven years.. seems like forever. Yet it doesnt.

So today my mind is clouded. With memories, with prayers, with hope and loss. But I'm thankful, thankful for another day to be here. For another day to hold, hug, and kiss my girls and husband. I'll make a seperate blog post about the rest of my day. It just doesn't seem appropriate to jump from talking about the wonderful people I have to the day the girls and I had.

Crystal and Sara... we love and miss you!

Randomness

One of Ariel's many silly faces


Miss Clarity


How is she sleeping like that?!


Ahoy matey!

Still a secret

My blog and BOL are the only places where I can openly talk about how I'm feeling. I'm going to be 12 weeks tomorrow and still haven't told my family that there is going to be a new addition to our home. Too much has been going on with everyone else. My cousin just had her baby a month ago, my grandpa has been going through chemo and radiation weekly for the spot of cancer found in his lung.. the list goes on and on. I just dont feel anyone is going to be happy for us. So we've just been keeping this to ourselves and enjoying it in our own way.


Well enjoying may not be the right word! lol. I had a good few days (not perfectly normal feeling but normal enough) and then today blah! I haven't gotten sick yet although my body has sure tried to do it without my consent! I hit the second trimester in a week so I'm praying this slacks up a bit. Everyone in my "due in" forum is all "I never got sick!". Well lucky for you. I can't help but be a little jealous as I'm feeling all alone in the nausea, diarrhea and puke parties. It drives me bizerk when I read that everyone else has felt fine, never gotten sick, yada yada. I guess I must be taking it for them. Lucky girls.


I keep finding all these cute glitters saying "pregnant and sexy" "pregnant and beautiful". I have to laugh! I'm so not feeling either of those! Between the sickness, bloating, face breakouts, those aren't quite the ajectives I'd use to describe myself at this moment! Jesse bless his heart is such a trooper. It can't be easy to deal with me being so sick, emotional, and unattractive but he's wonderful. God bless him.

Jesse may be working out of state next week. His manager is looking into how much he'll get paid if he goes, so we can decide if it's worth it or not. We seriously need the money and I told him if it pays well, to go, that the girls and I would be fine. I'd miss him like crazy and I know the girls would too, but it's not definate yet. I'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Well I have to go make the girls some lunch. We've baked chocolate chip cookies together and eaten a few.. now it's time for something nutritious! I'm hoping to clean out the girls pool and let them go swimming today since our heat index is already 103. Yikes! We may just stay in the A/C depending on how I feel.

It could have been me

All these stories I've been reading about parents losing their babies, it sends chills up my spine that I could have been one of them. Today I took both of the girls outside to play on the deck. I was sitting in the swing, just relaxing in the shade watching them play together. I closed my eyes for a minute (I could still hear them) and opened them when I realized it was quiet. Clarity was no longer on the deck. Ariel had her back turned and I asked where Clarity was. Ariel goes walking around the deck and told me she didn't see her. I immediately jump up. I go running around calling her name. No answer. I run down the driveway and look, but don't see her so I figured I must have missed her up by the house. I figured maybe she was just playing her little quiet game, kind of hiding to the side while I look for her, which she tends to do. After a minute or two, I realized she wasn't up here and went tearing back down the driveway. I peek down further by the communtiy mailboxes and see her tiny body looking up at me. I go running down as fast as I could. When I reach her, I pop her butt twice and tell her that it was a no no to go down there and then I scooped her up and couldn't stop loving and kissing up on her. Poor Ariel had been in hysterics the whole time and praying out loud that God would keep her sister safe and help us find her. After I brought Clarity back up, Ariel continued to cry for at least 15 more minutes saying how much she missed and loved her baby sister. Heartbreaking. My feet are killing me with cuts and scrapes from running on the rocky pavement without shoes, small price to pay for losing my child!

Even though Clarity was only missing for maybe five minutes, it felt like an eternity to us. The whole time I was calling her name and searching for my precious baby, the thoughts of these other parents that had lost their babies ran through my mind. I was envisioning the worst and imagining my life without her. It was honestly the worst feeling I had ever had. The beating myself up and thinking I'm the worst mother possible hasn't let up too much even though this happened a few hours ago. All the "what ifs" keep running through my head. I mean we live in a small community and usually the only people that go up our side of the drive are us or one of our neighbors who are seaosonal and in their Florida homes right now. But there is never any traffic. Yet my mind keeps thinking "What if today there had been somebody. What if my baby had been hit and killed?" If I hadn't closed my eyes for that brief moment this wouldn't have happened. ugh. It just kills me. I just thank God soooo much that she's okay. That we're all okay right now. I ended up telling Jesse what happened, I was horrified at the thought that he would think I was some kind of idiot mom, but he just told me that kids are quick and we need to keep her inside today as a means of teaching her a lesson.

So there's the big story of my day. Pretty crappy one! Other than that, the heat is horrible. Our heat index is over 100 degrees and it's just so yuck! During the whole Clarity episode, I was sweating and sick. It took a while after getting back in the A/C to get rid of the nausea that started to overtake me after I calmed down.

Jesse only did four trouble calls today, so he got home pretty early. He said he heard a rumor that the company he works for is about to go under. Please God no. We cannot handle anymore financial strain. Our luck has been terrible since his dad moved here. He must've brought some bad voodoo with him or something the punk. Hopefully they're not doing all wonderful, after the mess they pulled with us. I hope they're hurting too. Who knows. All I know is Karma is a you know what, and someday, they'll get theirs. I just need to keep praying and looking on the bright side. God will see us through. He always does.