Sad Thoughts and Memories

Everything just seems to be getting me down today. Yesterday I visited Miles Levin's carepage for the first time. Of course it had to say he was on his way home. 18 years old.. life cut tragically short. Yet him and his family are at peace and aren't bitter about everything as I'm sure, knowing me, would be. As I read his posts, I realized this was no ordinary 18 year old. He's definately wise beyond his years and has a real legacy to leave when he's gone. I'll be praying for him and his family.

I also read about another family on one of the message boards I go to that just discovered their small son has a tumor in his brain the size of a grape. I don't know any other details but we're all praying hard that it's something that is able to be surgically removed and he'll be just fine. My thoughts are on this family in a heavy way.. I just can't imagine going through something like that.

Another thing that has been on my mind is this is the time of year that marks the anniversary of the deaths of Jesse's sister (well step sister but he considered her his sister) and one of my friends from high school. They died within a week of eachother in 2000. Crystal was 13 but had the mind of a five or six year old. She was so innocent and special. She was so happy and loving. I remember once Jesse and I had a huge argument at his house and I was sitting in her room crying. She walked in and gave me the biggest hug and said "It's okay. I love you". That was so Crystal. Always giving hugs and letting everyone know she cared about them. The last time I saw Crystal she asked me if I had any M&Ms (her favorite). I told her no but I promised her I'd bring her a pack the next time I went to visit (Jesse and I had broken up so I didnt see Crystal much anymore). Unfortunately that visit came too late. When I heard about the accident (She had been playing in her dad's suburban and somehow put the truck in neutral and it rolled backwards. She freaked out and tried to jump out and ended up getting run over and pinned against a tree). I fell apart. I beat myself up over not taking her those M&M's. Her dad had a bowl of them at her funeral for everyone to take some and toss in her grave, but it didn't help me feel better. Some days I want to smack myself for always assuming that someone will be there when I "get around to it".

Sara was my best friend in middle school. She was the first friend I ever made when I moved here to Murphy and we stuck together like glue, until high school. Then she made new friends, I made new friends and we weren't as close. We still hung out from time to time but things were different. We just hung out with two different groups of people. She was with the more popular ones, I was with my own little clique of close friends (there were three of us in my group.. lol). But Sara was a great person and when I heard she didn't make it through one of her heart surgeries, it caught me completely off guard. Especially since I had just been to Crystal's funeral. I only went to her viewing, not the actual burial because the wake alone made me ill. All of these people were there that I had heard make fun of Sara and talk behind her backs and they were all hysterical like they were close to her. Maybe it was guilt? Maybe it was sincere? I'm not one to judge that, but I was annoyed.

It's hard to believe these people just slipped out of my life seven years ago. Seven years.. seems like forever. Yet it doesnt.

So today my mind is clouded. With memories, with prayers, with hope and loss. But I'm thankful, thankful for another day to be here. For another day to hold, hug, and kiss my girls and husband. I'll make a seperate blog post about the rest of my day. It just doesn't seem appropriate to jump from talking about the wonderful people I have to the day the girls and I had.

Crystal and Sara... we love and miss you!